Unorganized, Unprocessed, Unrefined

It's 12:09 a.m., but I have to write because I feel it, and I haven't felt it in a few weeks.

I'm sitting on my bed with a pillow on my lap, my laptop on top of that. It's hot in here. I would sleep with only a top sheet, but here I just have a thick brown comforter. Ironically enough, I'm wearing pants and socks to bed tonight. Yes, pants and socks. Don't ask why.

Here, the silence of my room is almost haunting, mostly because I am left to think to myself and partly because there are four people up here--it should be noisy.

Tonight I went to the gym--which I have been doing quite often lately--with the intention of reading some Ben Johnson poetry while eliptical-ing. I eliptical-ed, but was so distracted from the poetry. I've realized that trying to do something else while reading poetry is actually very counter-productive. There's no way to get a good amount of insight from a poem, when you're busy thinking about other things, like your heart rate and how many calories you've burned so far and what your reps per minute is and oh that guy's kind of cute and oh hey there is Jordan again with his girlfriend and I wonder if someone is using the abductors right now and there's that awkward patron that wants to date me. These thoughts, plus the sporadic reading from On My Small Daughter, plus the new Jason Reeves song I just bought, turned up to the third to last bar on my sound gage, leads to much more confused thinking than should be had at the gym. Isn't exercise supposed clear your mind? But I feel like when I'm at the BYU-I gym, I need to distract myself as much as possible. I need to drown myself in noise and get the heck out as fast as I can, because it's a meat market in there. Right now, I choose to be a vegan, thank you. Needless to say, reading Ben Johnson didn't go over well.

Today Victoria and I drove to the corn fields. They're corn fields, right? We drove for an hour, turned off the car, turned off the music, and I could hear the blood in my ears. (I wonder what silence is like without the blood in my ears--I hope someday I can know that.) It felt good to be in between the green earth and blue sky and nothing else. I am so small and cannot be in control of anything.

My hair is drying. I love taking showers at night.

Getaway

So, I've been doing this new thing--when I'm in a class I despise and I do not want to pay attention--where I write down songs lyrics to a good song I know and randomly mix the words into my own poetry. Here's one of the results from A Clean Getaway, by Maria Taylor:

Of no day, no door, no getaway.
I fear to love a someone met with no name.
I made a home of hung pictures; it looked just like a smile.
Except it wasn't in my own face.
I didn't know.
At the bar they know, tough voice made by my friends--hard.
They were laughing and I? Losing.
I miss every single great heart.

No! Could you just getaway?
I see across it.
And there:
Like the yard, a park, my grass.
Clean. I had made clean.
Finally, I made the place.
Except it felt there were no he.
Had I made just like I met? Waiting for it? No.
It felt like what I was: I
And you?
I just miss.

That's all.

Notes

Notes to self:
-To hurt is to instruct. - Benjamin Franklin
-Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. - George Washington
And We don't know where we're going. But we'll get nowhere if we've forgotten where we've been. - Maria Taylor

Thoughts in L.A.

We just rolled in from L.A. today--roughly a 14 hour drive. We left last night around 9:30/1030 p.m., L.A. time. My days have been morphing into one another. I can't even remember if today is Wednesday or Thursday.

I drove some of the way--four hours, maybe five--and it felt good, almost empowering. I felt like I was getting away from, or perhaps arriving to, some destination I had in mind, as fast as possible (85mph). Matt and Karli were asleep most of the time I drove, and not to say anything against their company, the loneliness of the moment or the intimacy between the road and me was endearing.

I got away this weekend, for a few hours at least. Maybe it wasn't in the ocean or the marinas, or in the Jasmine bushes, but in a fast drive on an abandoned road. The rest of the time I spent thinking.

We had a picnic on Sunday at Sunset beach and I looked for shells--rolling up my pant legs just high enough to welcome the foam of the incoming wave to my knees. I didn't find any whole shells. Only pieces. I even prayed that Heavenly Father would help me find just one whole shell; that's really the only thing I asked for on the trip (besides overall safety). It was that important to me. Maybe my intentions were greedy and that's why I only found pieces. Either that or I just don't deserve to have my prayers answered right now. I understood. So, I accepted the pieces I was given and almost linked them to my own fragmented nature right now. Whole people attract whole things, right? They are still beautiful, white shell pieces (that I accidentally left in Matt's car).

After the beach, Matt drove me to my old house: 2923 E. Featherhill Dr. It was dark by this time. We drove up the hill by the monastery and in the lighting, or lack thereof, I mistook it for the hill that Justin lost control of his skateboard and skinned himself on. Because I wasn't exactly sure where I was, I didn't know exactly where to look for my house. When I saw it, I wasn't sure if it was the one or not. We passed it and I had Matt drive by it again. Yes, it was that house. We had come up the back way. The hill we passed with the monastery was the one I rode down to get to Nohl Canyon Elementary every morning. The house has changed so much since my childhood. It was blue, not brown and the beautiful white sycamore tree, that I loved to sit under and pick at its' shedding, was gone. I had learned to ride my bicycle under that tree. I couldn't even see the front yard or front door, it was so highly vegetated. The thorn bushes that lined the walkway--the ones I pushed Jessica Johnson into when she pushed me to my limit--they were gone, too. There was blue cobblestone lining everything and when I took a picture with the flash on, some paranoid owner--some millionaire stranger, the man who took away my beautiful sycamore--came out and flashed his porch light at us. I wanted to cry, maybe? Or not. I don't know exactly what emotion it was, but it felt like the balloon that was my childhood--the beautiful, red balloon delicately tied to my wrist the way my father used to tie with his big fingers--was popped by this detached human figure I did not even know.

I missed my mother. I missed my cute, rambunctious brothers with their bowl cuts and skateboards. I missed Jessica Johnson, who lived next door, and eating tuna fish sandwiches with pickle slices (instead of celery like my mom always made) by her pool side. I missed spying on passersby from her tree house in the backyard. I missed swinging by the rope attached to the maroon oleander bushes. I missed my mom's homemade rolls. I missed when she'd braid my long, chlorine-green hair after a shower. I missed falling asleep with the news on and my head in her lap. I missed the big, red and white striped umbrella. What has happened to my childhood? Where did it go? Why do I never talk to my siblings anymore? Why does it feel like we are opposites and they've married people who cannot relate to this background or our traditions? Why can't we all just live on Featherhill? Just us. Sixteen years ago.

That's what it felt like. And I texted my mother to tell her I'd seen the house. She didn't reply.

I realized, while I was in California, that every time I saw the maroon Oleander, I thought of my mother and her soft, curly brown hair--not how it is now, but how it was then. And I remembered her young face. How when I was young and would fall asleep on her lap, I'd look up at it--up her nose, up at her eyes that would blink fast when she wanted to maker her point quickly and nervously, up at her mouth, moving in a funny upside down way. When I see those bushes, I think of her confidence--or maybe the confidence I put in her back then, before I realized all mankind is flawed. She was my world, a goddess, perfect. Everything she was, I wanted to be (and I am, for the most part, I see it now). I remember her silver/black teardrop earrings. I remember her smell. But I can't recall it on command. When I smell it, I know. Those bushes brought her to me for a moment, and I know I will cry at them when she is gone forever.

So, we went back to Matt's where he felt warm and at home, and I longed for my own family dynamic that no longer exists. I was cold and uncomfortable. Though his mother was accommodating and such a sweetheart, the crepes/waffles/fresh towels felt like a burlap sack on my naked body.

The next day we went to Balboa Island. We drove up the opposite way we'd come in my childhood and I recognized nothing at first. No feelings came back and for a moment it felt as though my childhood was a hoax. Like a staged event that happens one time only, in one place, with only a handful of people who might remember and know the same things I do and as time goes on, the props change, I am removed, the cast is new, and the set belongs to someone else. Balboa is not mine anymore. I can't claim it. What it is now is some other child's. In me, it is a memory. That's it. A breath of air, a cloud of smoke, a black fly in a room full of dark chairs. It will never come back. Never. And one day, my brain will die. What happens to Balboa then?

We ate Balboa bars. I remembered them better. And bigger. And slow. I remembered the one time we hired a pontoon boat and had a picnic in the bay with grapes and macaroni salad. Uncle John was there. Or was it Uncle Angelo? Maybe we went more than once.

We went to the Ruby's on the Pier. There were so many Mexicans and I thought to myself, "I had no idea ghetto, rapping Mexicans liked to fish." Then Matt said something like, "They are fishing to stay alive." Huh. These fish are their lifeline? Perhaps. Since when did Orange County become so poverty stricken? Did it begin with us? Were we the first to crumble and the rest followed? It's like when I ask myself sometimes if the reason why everyone likes an underground indie song is because of me? Because I shared it with so many people? Arrogant, I know. Naive, I know. But don't those things have to begin somewhere?

The next day we went to the Getty museum. I saw a real life Van Gogh, but it didn't hit me. Still hasn't. I almost think to myself: why is that such a big deal? Yeah, I love art. Yeah, Van Gogh is amazing. But he's just a person. He's dead. God's art is the only living art and I take it for granted every day. God's art is what we draw from. His art IS our art. I can paint a landscape, but that only shows a fragment of the creative ability of God. He actually made the landscape. I am a speck of sand. Not worthy of any compliment. My art is never mine. It is God's. Van Gogh's art is God's.

I don't know if it is because I was so overwhelmed by the beautiful artwork, if I was being cynical, or if I was just out of tune, but I was not impressed as much by this artwork as I have been in the past. I can just picture Van Gogh up in the spirit world saying something like, "What the heck are you guys gawking at? That piece isn't even finished. It's a piece of crap. Wait til you see what's up here." I actually pictured that while I looked at his Irises.

After that day, we began our drive, and I felt free for a few hours.

Lie

The first time I ever lied was when I sat on the kitchen counter in our brown California house. The "Thou shalt not lie" lesson was fresh in my mind, so I think it might've been a Sunday and my white stockings were tipped off with black, pattened-leather shoes. I swung them, alternating, up and down over the edge of the counter and watched her. My mom was preparing dinner--probably her onion, celery boiled chicken that she'd put in a rice casserole. She was so beautiful in her outdated, mint green dress, with shoulder pads and a pencil skirt bottom. I looked at her and wondered if she'd recognize a lie from me. I knew she trusted me; I was an "angel," she said. I looked out the window, in an attempt to conjure up an original: something other than the popular "you have a spider in your hair" or "Jared hit me" phrases. Aha! I got it.

"Mom?" I innocently questioned, looking up into her olive face.

"What, my baby?" She whispered with a grunt as she pulled the chicken from the broth, placing it into a bowled strainer.

"I..." I hesitated. Did I want to do this? My first lie ever? Would God forgive me? Of course, I just need to repent right after. Okay, I wanted this. "I see a mouse by the wall outside!" I yelled and pointed. My mother hated mice. I remember one time we saw a swarm of them on Indiana Jones and she climbed up onto the couch, screaming and running in place. This time there was no change in her expression. I let the lie sit, waiting for a reaction.

I shuffled my body on the counter top. I stared out the window to avoid eye contact with her. I glanced at her beautiful dress, then back outside. A pot made a clank from the cabinets below and my eyes shifted to the noise. My mother looked up at me and smiled. I felt a ball of air lodged in my throat.

"Mom?" I innocently inquired again.
"What, sweetheart?" She came over to where I sat, hugged my immature frame, and looked into my eyes.
"I just lied. There's no mouse. I'm sorry."
"I know, baby." She smoothed the grain of my side ponytail and returned to the chicken. She knew.

Connecting

Four times, tonight in seminar, I was on the verge of tears.

In essence: "Words, no matter whether they are vocalized and made into sounds or remain unspoken as thoughts, can cast an almost hypnotic spell upon you. You easily lose yourself in them, become hypnotized into implicitly believing that when you have attached a word to something, you know what it is. The fact is: You don't know what it is. You have only covered up the mystery with a label. Everything, a bird, a tree, even a simple stone, and certainly a human being, is ultimately unknowable. This is because it has unfathomable depth. All we can perceive, experience, think about, is the surface layer of reality, less than the tip of an iceberg."

I don't know the words behind my feelings, but I will tell you what touched me:

1. The answer to this question: What is my spiritual priority?
2. The answer to this question: What am I?
3. This question: Is love the answer to breaking down barriers? Don't you need to break down barriers before you love?
4. I want to see the Redwoods. But I wonder, if I saw them, would I know them?

The Park

I rode my bike to the park and scanned for an open spot of yellow, unshaded grass--one free from the couple on the plaid blanket, the mother trying to keep her two girls still long enough to snap a picture, the roommate quietly reading with an apple in hand. I wanted space of my own. I expected this to be a challenge, considering it was a sunny Saturday in Rexburg, but there were only sprinkles of people and I found space: toward the back edge of the park by the covered picnic tables and the little shelter overgrown with ivy. It was a warm spot and dried mud broke through the grass. With a ringing clunk, I placed my bike on its side--the back wheel still spinning--and draped my sheet over twigs and little flecks of last fall's brown leaves. I thought about how long it had been since I'd sat by myself in such fresh air.

There's something about being alone that is fresh, too. I breathed in till the air filled my body, took off my sunglasses, and laid on my stomach, propping myself up with my elbows. I fished in my bag for The Art of the Personal Essay, bent the entire book backwards on the page I was to begin with, and read. (I always bend my books backwards. This could explain why I have so many with ruined spines and missing pages, but I can't read any other way. I tried once when I borrowed a book from a friend, but it destroyed the story. All I could think about the entire week was how much will power it took me to forego book-bending.)

I read one essay, watched another couple go by on a black tandum bike, watched a newly-dating couple (you can always tell) toss a frisbee back and forth, watched a dad run while pushing his daughter in her stroller, and decided I was cold. The sun had disappeared behind a cloud--not a thin, cheese cloth cloud, but a heavy one, with grey in the middle. I counted about 4 minutes until it passed and the time between the end of that cloud and the beginning of another was small. I calculated: the time spent laying on my sheet would entail much less sunshine than anticipated and much more heavy-cloud-with-grey-in-the-middle interception. I accepted this as a Rexburg fopaux, and continued to lay chilled on the cold, dried mud, with only a sheet separating the two of us.

I thought about how I was cold and hungry, how I didn't want to begin reading my assigned literature from the Dark Ages, even though I signed up for the class. I put my book down and called my mother. No answer. I formed my backpack into a pillow, clearing all valuables from potential harm, placed my head in its center, and closed my eyes in the direction of the sun--desperately drinking in what it had to offer (when it did have something to offer). This trip to the park was to clear my head. I didn't know where to begin. I wished the sun would suck it from my eyes, through my pores, dry up the thoughts that repressed me.

After an hour of lying on the chilled earth, I stood to regulate the bloodflow through my legs and to my brain, sliding my arms through the looping straps of my backpack. I dizzily groped for my handlebars, managed to snatch them, and mounted. I rode the opposite way I came to avoid the eyes of those who occupied the other temporarily-sunny spots and to ride in the direction of Pita Pit, where'd I'd buy myself lunch. And that was my trip to the park.

P.S. I am lucky to have such great friends. Especially this one in particular, who is male and lives in Calgary, who makes me laugh every day on the phone, who can't get enough of my blogs, and attends comic conventions on the weekends. But seriously, I'm lucky.